


sorry (please don't be mad)

by phanstarlight



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, Insecurities, Park Jisung-centric, other members feature
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:22:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanstarlight/pseuds/phanstarlight
Summary: jisung was completely fine, until he wasn't.unfortunately, everything changes and not for the better.





	sorry (please don't be mad)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first contribution to the NCT tag (excuse the crappy summary)
> 
> this fic is the result of seeing ot6 only comments and my love for jisung, who's always worked his hardest. ♡
> 
> please heed the tags and the warnings (eating disorder and a lot of negative/insecure thoughts.)

jisung had always been known as the powerhouse maknae amongst the company. he trained day in and day out, debuted at 14, was made the center of the black on black performances and yet, still managed to have enough energy in him to take the piss out of everyone and fill the room with laughter.

he'd become so accustomed to making everyone laugh that it had become second nature to him. he never saw an issue with his personality and didn't think anyone else did either. liked that, liked making everyone happy.

at least, he thought he did.

since day 1, they were told to never check comments. " _not everyone is nice online_ " and " _nobody else can judge you apart from yourself_ " were the main arguments, though he'd never given them any thought. him and chenle had already admitted to lurking on twitter and they'd seen everything there was to see. nothing bothered jisung.

he believed that, of course, until the day the pann comments were directed at him.

➝ _nct dream is nice but chenle is a much nicer maknae tbh_

➝ _jisung is way too much of a bully for me to like him_

➝ _jisung gets no lines bc he's too annoying lol_

➝ _nct dream would be better without jisung_

➝ _nct dream ot6 because jisung shouldn't be there_

it never crossed his mind before that moment of how others saw him; was he really as annoying as everyone thought? did everyone else think he was better off gone from the group?

when jisung tried to fall asleep that night, it wasn't thoughts of excitement keeping him up this time.

~ ✺ ~

"right, practice is over!" mark called, sordidly out of breath, "good work today team!"

as the other five fell to the floor, joking around with each other, jisung could only sit slumped against the wall lost in his own thoughts. had today really been a good day? he'd messed up that turn in GO he'd practiced so hard a few times. not to mention, he'd bumped into jaemin during jeno's part; jeno had gotten annoyed at him for it but it was fine. he was just tired, they all were. they'd all had those moments during practice, so why did it hurt all of a sudden?

"yo jisungie!" jaemin slid down next to him, "you ok? you seemed kinda distracted the whole time."

he'd noticed.

they'd all noticed.

"i..." what was there to tell him? as far as jisung was concerned, he was just tired, overthinking perhaps. anyway, jaemin wouldn't care. he probably found him annoying. he'd probably laugh at him because being off just added to the fuel that he shouldn't have been a member of nct like the comments had said.

"jisung?" jaemin waved his hand in front of his face, "you there?"

jaemin didn't like him. none of them did, so what did it matter?

"i'm fine hyung," he laughed, "donghyuck hyung's snoring just kept me up so i'm tired."

"it's really loud, isn't it?" jaemin grinned, indulging his joke, "get some sleep though!" that was all he said before getting up and going back to conversation with renjun and jeno.

watching everyone in high spirits irked him. the six of them were so happy and upbeat whilst here he was, completely out of place. jaemin and renjun were joking about some kind of inside joke, chenle and donghyuck were taking digs at mark while jeno attempted to comfort the eldest of them. they all looked so good together, like a truly united group.

an ot6 indeed.

~ ✺ ~

thinking like that, jisung couldn't help but compare himself to the other dream members.

he didn't have that cute maknae charm like chenle did, or that instant likeability the bubbly chinese boy possessed. he didn't have the same variety skills as donghyuck or the ability to brighten the mood like him. renjun had the pure charm about him that he could never have, and mark had skills in rap he could never imagine to level ( _who was already critically acclaimed for his talent on high school rapper_ ) his dance skills weren't as sharp and polished as jeno's and he didn't hold the same resilience and determination as jaemin did ( _who, despite everything, kept smiling and working hard when all the odds were stacked against him._ )

compared to his members, jisung was nothing. he could never achieve what everyone else would.

never

nothing

he couldn't be anything

annoying

hinderance

nuisance

no one

didn't deserve to debut-

"ji?" snapping out of it, jisung was forced to realise that both pairs of eyes in the room had turnt to him. donghyuck looked more curious than anything, whilst mark shot him looks of concern.

"mhm?"

"are you alright?" mark asked, "you've been out of it for a while now..."

"i'm fine," he forced on a smile, "i think i'm gonna go to the practice room."

"oh, look at you, working hard!" donghyuck snorted, patting him on the shoulder, "that's a first!"

jisung rolled his eyes before the older pair left him to his own devices. donghyuck was right. he needed to work harder. he needed to work until he deserved to be in nct. for now, he was nothing.

~ ✺ ~

mark had realised something was wrong; of course, he worried about them all constantly. the eldest didn't live in the dream dorms anymore but whenever he saw them, his concerned gazes would fall upon jisung more often than not.

"hey, jisung?" the door to the practice room opened to reveal mark, looking more exhausted then usual, "you're still here?"

jisung looked up at the clock: it was 10pm. he'd been here since 3, he thinks. chenle was with him at first but the younger boy had left hours ago, the pang of hunger overtaking his desire to practice.

_"wanna come with?" chenle had asked, dazzling smile almost blinding him._

_"nah, i'm gonna stay and practice." he shrugged._

_"really? you aren't hungry at all?" chenle pouted, "did you even eat breakfast?"_

_"uh, yes?" that was a lie, "i'll be fine lele, go and eat."_

"i'm still trying to improve on stuff," jisung answered noncommittedly, "didn't realise it was this late."

one look at mark showed the canadian didn't completely believe him, but he didn't pry; that wasn't mark's style. instead, he gave the maknae a soft smile and went over to turn the music off himself.

"i'll walk you back to the dream dorm," he stated, leaving no room to refuse, "the others were pretty worried about you."

that was a lie, probably.

they'd be happy to see him gone.

mark just didn't want to tell him the truth.

"...ok, lemme get my stuff together hyung."

as the both of them left the practice room, jisung found his hand suddenly being enveloped in one of mark's. the eldest didn't say anything and neither did he. the both of them walked back to the dorms in utter silence.

before jisung went into the dorms, mark squeezed his hand tight, offering up a smile with hidden meaning.

"take care of yourself, ok?" he spoke before taking his leave. jisung waved him off, trying to ignore the incoming mood drop. for once, he didn't feel too alone.

if only that mood would last.

~ ✺ ~

life was once easy for jisung, or as easy as idol life could be. he practiced alongside his beloved members, phoned home most days and went to school when he could. like everyone else, he was walking the path that was life beside the ones he loved and was fine with that.

things had changed though.

now, it felt like he was watching his other members run ahead of him, faster than he could even attempt to go. no matter how loud he tried to run faster, jisung could feel himself slowing down and losing sight of everyone.

everyone was improving.

jisung was not.

he was probably getting worse.

that's what it felt like, anyway.

he could no longer see anyone else on his path, for they had ran on ahead and abandoned him. he tried to call out for help but nothing came out. jisung was alone, gradually slowing down and there was nothing he could do about it.

~ ✺ ~

"guys, thank me later!" kun suddenly announced, sashaying into their work room.

"for what?" doyoung asked, attracting the attention of the other 16. kun simply laughed to himself before revealing a plate of cupcakes he'd managed to sneak behind his back.

the room erupted into immense cheers, with several of the members chanting "god kun" and "fat kun" , though he seemed too proud to argue against the latter. homemade cupcakes were passed around to everyone as they ate together; kun had wanted to lift everyone's spirits with all the stress going around.

"ah, as expected!" chenle piped up, sitting beside jisung, "kun ge makes the best cupcakes!"

jisung stared at his own cupcake, bitter feeling taking over him. he knew kun was an amazing cook but something just didn't feel right. the more jisung stared at it, the more the thought of "i don't deserve to eat" popped into his head. everyone else had worked so hard and were stressed because of it, meanwhile he was stressed because he _wasn't_  working hard enough.

"jisung?" he was brought out of his thoughts by chenle, looking between him and the cupcake, "you're looking at that cupcake like it murdered your family or something."

"oh, right..." he bit his cheek, "i'm not that hungry, actually."

as soon as he said that, chenle looked scandalised, "you don't even want to try a bit? it tastes lovely!"

for a brief moment, he reconsidered. he really did. maybe eating something just this once was fine, he had been trying to improve after all-

no, who was he kidding. everyone like chenle had worked so, so hard for the chance to reward themselves, but he hadn't. he didn't deserve it.

he didn't deserve anything.

"nah, i'll be fine." he assured his friend, ignoring the shocked look on his face, "you can eat it lele!" chenle's face instantly changed to one of joy as he thanked the maknae.

"are you sure you don't want to try just a bit?" chenle asked again, almost halfway through the second cupcake, "it's not poisoned or anything, i think."

"i'm fine lele, really." he smiled.

"suit yourself then!" the other boy shrugged, before the both of them lapsed into a different topic.

~ ✺ ~

before he went to shower, jisung rechecked the pann comments about him. had they seen his improvements? had they deemed him able enough to be a member of nct dream?

➝ _that jeno kid is still the better dancer lol_

➝ _aren't sm kids meant to be talented? what a pity_

➝ _weirdo ㅋㅋㅋ_

as much as he'd like to think the tears were from the shampoo in his eyes, jisung knew they weren't.

~ ✺ ~

jisung didn't know what to do.

before, he was walking at a somewhat quick  
pace trying to catch up to everyone but now things seemed hopeless. he could just feel himself slipping away with every passing moment and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

it was then, he imagined, he tripped over a metaphorical rock; this was what everything that happened next felt like, anyway.

~ ✺ ~

once again, the dreamies were practicing GO. an hour or so had already passed and everyone was tired. honestly speaking, jisung felt like he could go the rest of his life never hearing this song again and he would be thankful.

as time passed, the mistakes and bumps became more frequent. jaemin tripped over himself during the chorus, mark forgot where he was meant to be standing at one point, donghyuck had almost tripped renjun over...the list goes on.

trying his hardest not to mess up was jisung. he refused to let this practice be like the last ones. he wasn't going to screw everything up this time, for everyone else had trained so hard for it.

for the nth time, GO sounded throughout the practice room, the 7 boys doing the moves almost manually. everything was going quite smoothly until-

"god, jeno hyung!" jisung shouted, bringing everyone to a stunned halt.

jeno had bumped into jisung during one of his parts, accidentally moving the youngest out of his spot. it wasn't a big deal usually but this time, something just snapped in jisung. he was already on edge constantly and, unfortunately, jeno just had to be the target of all his irritation.

"s-sorry?" jeno stumbled out, clearly taken aback by the outburst.

"you should be!" the maknae groaned, "i was working so hard!"

there was an awkward and uncomfortable silence in the room, everyone (minus jisung) giving each other similar looks before renjun finally decided to speak up.

"maybe we should stop here?" he spoke as carefully as he could muster, "we've _all been_  practicing for so long..."

"you're right," mark nodded, "good work today guys...!"

another awkward pause before donghyuck attempted to lighten the mood, "let's finish up! me and mama mark will walk you kids back!"

"i am nobody's mother, hyuck!" the tense atmosphere remained, though everyone else seemed to at least be trying to stay positive. jisung, on the other hand, blocked it all out. he was frustrated and hungry (when did he last eat properly? he couldn't recall.) everyone and everything was pissing him off and all he wanted to do was go home and sleep it off.

on the way back, jisung ignored chenle and donghyuck's attempts to talk to him. he didn't even acknowledge jeno's further attempt to apologize to him.

~ ✺ ~

as he wished, jisung got to go straight to sleep after they returned. it was already late and nobody was exactly willing to talk to him after his previous outburst.

laying in his shared bedroom with chenle who, most likely, was off somewhere in renjun and jeno's room, jisung tried to fall asleep; keyword here is tried. thoughts of the comments telling him he wasn't good enough for the group flooded his mind, telling him that he was less than everyone else.

he was just park jisung

no redeemable qualities

after today, none of them probably wanted him here-

suddenly, the bedroom door slowly began to creak open. closing his eyes tightly, jisung pretended to already be asleep. the person didn't close the door behind them (surely, it couldn't be chenle then) and made their way straight over to him.

"jisungie?" they whispered out cautiously. it was jaemin. lying still as possible, jisung feigned sleep.

"..." he could feel jaemin's judgemental gaze already, "...good night jisungie." planting a kiss on jisung's forehead, jaemin left the room almost as quickly as he came. he tried to shut the door quietly but it didn't exactly work.

jisung tried to fall asleep for real once again but it was impossible, for he couldn't focus on anything but the tears spilling him from his eyes. he was just thankful sm made the rooms soundproof, or else the others would've heard his pathetic sobbing from the next room.

~ ✺ ~

he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten properly anymore. they'd all made food over the course of the weeks, with the older members giving them food _"just because"_. every time that happened, jisung sat it out. he lived off of crackers and the occasional five a day.

after a first few days, nobody commented jisung's lack of presence whilst they ate.

~ ✺ ~

still alone on that path, jisung felt more lonely than ever.

he'd tripped up, been on the ground for so long that he could no longer remember how to get back up. the rocks in his shoes ached, and everything just hurt.

"help me!" he tried to shout, to no avail. words refused to form and no one had come back for him. nothing he called out would reach anyone.

caving in on himself, all jisung could do was sob. it was useless.

**he was useless.**

~ ✺ ~

it all came to a head during the black on black practice.

"jisung?" johnny had pulled him to the side before they started, "you look really pale, is everything alright?"

"i'm fine hyung." he'd deadpanned, walking off before johnny could say anymore.

"right, get into place!" taeyong shouted, starting the music, "let's start!"

they'd gone through the song twice without mistakes and almost everyone seemed to be in high spirits: the exception? jisung. somewhere during the second run through, jisung found himself going cold for no apparent reason. his arms and legs ached and his head wouldn't stop pounding. still, he kept at it making sure nobody noticed a thing.

he would be fine, he thought to himself.

he had to keep practicing if he wanted to be recognised as a worthy member of nct.

"let's go again!" doyoung's voice filled the room, "third time's the charm guys!'

as the music started once again, jisung felt even more off. all of his body felt tired, like it was ready to give up completely. ignoring it, he kept dancing.

"GO JISUNG!" the other members had jokingly cheered before his center start began. it was a nice gesture except there was one issue.

jisung couldn't hear it.

he couldn't hear anything.

as soon as he got into center position, his vision blurred and the music flooding his ears had simply stopped. the voices around him disappeared along with the control he had over his body. feeling his blood run cold, jisung tried to call out for help but it was useless.

with a loud thump, he fell to the floor.

"jisung!" the other members ran to his side in alarm.

"he's collapsed, call manager-nim now!" taeyong shouted, cradling the maknae in his arms.

"he isn't waking up," yuta mumbled to himself, "why isn't he waking up?"

"jisung...!"

~ ✺ ~

upon seeing the state of the maknae, their manager immediately phoned the ambulance. taeyong, johnny and mark were all instructed to come with, all of them promising to update the other members when they knew what was going on.

two hours had passed when the trio returned with another manager. they all looked crestfallen, to the point everyone felt too scared to ask what'd happened.

"is...is jisung gonna be alright?" doyoung broke the silence, arms still wrapped around a worried jeno.

"...we don't know." taeyong whispered, avoiding all eye contact. the others noted how exhausted he and johnny looked, alongside mark who had clearly been crying.

another uncomfortable silence passed before their manager cleared his throat.

"the company has decided to put jisung on hiatus until he recovers," he sighed, "for now, he won't be allowed to practice."

"what's wrong with him?" jaemin finally asked.

"...the doctors say he's severely malnourished and dehydrated." the confession caused half of the room to gasp in horror, whilst the others hung their heads.

"he hasn't been eating or drinking?"

"clearly not," there was a pause, "the doctors believe he was doing it on purpose."

the manager explained their future plans about jisung before taking his leave. he made sure to tell them "this is something you need to sort amongst yourselves."

"...so now what do we do?" yuta asked.

"we do all we can do," taeyong began gathering his things, "we wait for jisung to come back, then we talk to him... about _everything._ "

~ ✺ ~

"will you be ok?" the manager asked, prepared to walk in with the maknae.

"yeah, thanks though." jisung waved before entering the nct dream dorms. he hadn't planned to go there after being discharged but their managers insisted, stating that he had to face everyone else. he had no choice.

truthfully, he was terrified.

what would they think of him? poor, pathetic little jisung, can't even look after himself properly. can't do anything right.

opening the door, he took in a deep breath.

"h-hello...?" much to his surprise, the members were already gathered around the table, all gazing up at him. he'd only been gone 3 days and yet they all looked exhausted though, there was something else on their expressions jisung couldn't quite read.

ah, this was it. they were finally kicking him out of nct.

"i-"

"oh, jisung!" before he could even finish his sentence, the other 6 boys had already broken into a fluster of apologies and condolences.

_"we should've realised you weren't ok!"_

_"we're all gonna fight whoever made you feel like this, mark my words!"_

_"you're perfect the way you are, sungie!"_

it was then he realised the emotions on their faces he'd been so hellbent on ignoring all this time.

**worried.**

they were all legitimately concerned and worried for him because **they cared about him.**

with so many assurnances from his members telling him he was, indeed perfect and how they all loved him as he was, jisung couldn't help sobbing along with them. wrapped in the middle of everyone's arms, he cried and listened to everyone's words.

"we all love you, jisung."

for the first time in a while, jisung found himself believing in those words without a doubt.

~ ✺ ~

he'd talked about it to all the members the next day.

the comments

how inadequate he felt

how undeserving he ~~was~~ felt

they all listened to him. they all took his words in and they _understood_.

"we'll get through this jisung," taeyong had pulled him into an embrace, getting teary eyed himself, "you won't be alone through this."

though his hoodie came out of that meeting more tearsoaked then ever before, he could safely say he felt wanted that day. it was a feeling jisung wanted to get used to once again.

~ ✺ ~

two months had passed.

he gets help. sm offer him therapy, he takes it. he starts to eat again. he stops reading the negative comments. he begins to open up to the ones who he _knows_  love him.

they all help him. some of the members reassure him verbally that he's loved and wanted, and that he would never be alone.

"this movie is boring," donghyuck moans one day as the dreamies are all gathered in the dream dorm, "their chant isn't _nearly_  as amazing as ours!"

"that's because it's ours, dimwit." renjun retorts, quickly dodging donghyucks attempts to hit him.

"i feel the need to do our chant now..." immediately gazing at mark, jisung grinned, "start it, mark hyung!"

"me?" mark paused, small smile spreading on his face, "i think you should do it, jisung."

"me?"

"yeah! you'll be good at it!" chenle clapped.

"i agree, jisung could upstage mark anyday!" jeno laughed.

"it's decided then, lead our chant jisungie!" jaemin joined in chenle's clapping.

everyone was looking at him so intently with such care, jisung couldn't help himself.

"yo dream!"

"let's do it, fighting!"

" ** _yo dream!_** "

" ** _let's do it, fighting!!_** "

and, of course, there were the members who reassured him just by their actions. they made him feel accepted. he was finally back where he belonged.

~ ✺ ~

on that path of life, jisung finally found himself able to move. the numerous scars he'd gathered from falling down began to clear up and start to fade away. the walk was hard but slowly and surely, he began to find his way once again.

"jisung, hey!"

he wasn't alone this time either.

six other boys all walking beside him, helping him return and catch up, jisung felt alive once again. whenever he tripped over another rock, they were always there to help him back up and dust him off. they were with him every step of the way.

an ot7 indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> title of the fic: heize's "sorry"
> 
> inspired heavily by "fine" by lovelyebin (amazing fic, honestly.) and personal experiences.


End file.
